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02 September 2008 @ 01:46 pm
One night changes everything  
Author: dischargie
Titel: One night changes everything
Pairing: Tony/Gibbs (NCIS)
Rating: PG 13
Warnings: nothing
A/N1: This was written for the fication over at [info]gibbstony_athon with following prompt Love has nothing to do with what you are expecting to get, it's what you are expected to give – which is everything. Anon
A/N2: Special thanks to contrary_lady and lizardwriter for their betaing and help with my story.
Summary: What happens when Gibbs doesn't stand to his word?

    It is the weekend, and finally summer is back. The people in Washington are finally able to enjoy the sunny weather, after the last 4 weeks of heavy rain and cold temperatures. The kids play in the park while their parents sit around, watching them and talking to other parents. Loving couples sit or lie in the sun and snuggle with their lovers, showing the whole world how madly in love they are. Everyone seems to love and welcome the summer back, but I hate it. I want the rain back because that would better reflect my feelings at the moment. Normally I would love to spend my free weekend after three weeks straight on duty with my friends or with my lover. And that is the problem, because I don’t have a lover anymore. Since Friday I am back on the market; my best relationship ever is over and my partner doesn’t even know it yet, which is better at this stage because I can’t stand him right now.

    It’s still hard for me to believe that he broke his promise to me. It seems that we were never really a couple. Or what would you call two people who nearly lived together for two years, slept together for over three years, and had admitted to one another that they were in love three years ago, but that nobody knows about? No matter, I won’t call it a real relationship; it’s more like an affair because it wasn’t good enough for our friends to know. Shit, I won’t cry, not because of this. Okay, I cried all last night, even in my sleep, but the good thing was that I was alone. No one was there to hold me and tell me that everything is okay. That it was just a bad dream, or that it was possible to fix it. Yeah, I know that it was my own fault because I haven’t told anybody about the break up, but again there isn’t anybody I could tell because nobody knows. Not even Abby knows it. Maybe she assumes it, but she has no confirmation because he made me promise not to tell anybody without him.
   
    Oh, you want to know who ‘he’ is? I thought you have figured it out by yourself, but okay, it’s my boss, or better my former boss, Leroy Jethro second ‘B’ for bastard Gibbs. Yeah, I know that he isn’t the easiest person, but I love him, maybe because I know that he isn’t the bastard he shows at work. He is the most caring person I know, next to Abby, because you know nobody can beat Abby in this matter, but I love her for that. At work Jethro is so grumpy because he knows that we work harder when he is the bastard we know, and that isn’t a bad thing. At home, he was so caring, that the first time, I was scared because it was so unfamiliar but nice.
I can still remember every second of his first soft moment before we had admitted that we loved each other.

    I still don’t know why he acted like that on that day, but it was very sweet. It was one of our free weekends, and we had decided to spend at least one evening at my apartment because we wanted to watch a movie, and we all know that he has only the one small TV in his basement for some noise while working on his boat. He was already there when I got home from buying groceries, which hadn’t surprised me really, because he’d had a key to my apartment for three month at that point. Jethro asked for a key when he had to wait outside my door for nearly an hour while I was out buying beer and stuff for the weekend and had totally forgotten the time. So, when I finally came home I had a very pissed off Jethro in front of my door, who just said ‘After the weekend I want a key to your apartment.’ Not a ‘please’, or anything like that. It was nearly like an order at work. And he had the key before the end of the working day on Monday. But I digress.

    I gave him a hello kiss and headed into the kitchen to make something to eat for us. The day was so stressful that I totally had forgotten to eat, and I thought it would be nice to eat together. Okay, I hadn’t really forgotten to eat, I just didn’t eat. I wanted to cook for Jethro, but I would deny it without hesitation if anybody told him that. I was in the kitchen, and was totally lost in preparation of the salad that I didn’t notice his appearance behind me. He wasn’t directly behind me at first, because at the beginning, he just leaned on the door-frame, and observed me while I arranged everything, so I had to move as little as possible. Yeah, I’m a good and trained cook, who knows how to arrange everything, so I don’t have to go from one end of the kitchen to the other.

    That is one of the few things I learned from my mother, before she passed away, and a nanny took her place, because my father was too busy earning money and drinking alcohol. So, back to the subject. You can hopefully understand how surprised and shocked I was when I felt him behind me, just a few inches away. And then, totally untypical for him, he put his arms around me, and laid his strong hands softly on my stomach. I froze, because I didn’t know how to react to such an intimate gesture. And then he laid his chin on my left shoulder, and placed soft kisses on my neck. Now I think that was the moment I when realized that I felt more for him than I had realized. Yes, that was the moment I recognized that I truly was in love with him.

    And that was so intimidating, because I didn’t know how to handle these feelings. Jethro made it really clear after our first few sex dates, that it was just sex.

    No feelings, and for sure, no relationship. Damn, now I'm crying again. Sigh. See what he turned me in to? I’m an emotional wreck, and just because he broke a promise. But, this promise was so important. It should have shown me that he really loves me, even if he admits it nearly on a daily basis. It just wasn’t enough for me to hear it. I needed proof that he really wanted to be with me. That was the reason why I asked him for this dinner with the team, to tell them about us. It wasn’t as if I wanted to come out in front of all of NCIS. I just wanted our team, my family, to know that we’re in love, and that it was something serious, and not just a sex affair.
And he agreed to it after I explained to him why it was so important to me that our team knew about us.

    It wasn’t that I had to beg him for it, because if it was then I could have understood why he didn’t tell them. What did he tell them about why we met at his house? Because we would have the next week free, all of us. It was like a punch in my face, but I had to play my role and be happy about this unexpected week off. Nobody had noticed my wince, except Abby, but that wasn’t really surprising, because she was very good at reading my mood. She tried to talk to me every time we were alone, but I refused to, because I knew that I would break down if I started. Even if Jethro broke his promise I didn’t want to betray his trust.

    To my relief Abby accepted that I didn’t want to talk about it, so she left me alone. Now I regret that I didn’t talk to her, because maybe she would have been able to help me understand why Jethro acted like that, because I still can’t believe it. That night was the first time I didn’t want to sleep with him since the whole thing between us started. Normally I was horny the moment he kissed me or touched my body, but not Friday night. When he kissed me, I broke away from him after a few seconds, because it just felt wrong, and I was still upset. I know I hurt him when I said that I wasn’t in the mood and wanted to sleep in my own apartment, but I just couldn’t stand him at that moment.
I finished cleaning the kitchen, because I cooked again, and then I drove home. I didn't even give him a goodbye kiss. It hurt like hell to go like that, but I knew that if I stayed a minute longer, I would yell at him, and I just didn’t want to do that. I was sure that my actions spoke louder than any yelling could do. Now I’m in my apartment, crying like a little child, and thinking about how terribly wrong this Friday went. I’m so glad that I’m almost finished with packing my stuff. Just my very personal stuff from my bedroom is missing.

    Unfortunately, that will be the hardest part of the whole packing story, because it’s not just my bedroom. It's kind of like our bedroom, because we spent half of our time together in my apartment, and most of the time in my bed. As I said earlier, normally, I never said no when he wanted to have sex.

    I just have to tell myself that it is my bedroom, no matter how much time we spent there together, because we were never a real couple. It was just an affair, and nothing more. It meant nothing when he said he loved me. It was obviously just another damn lie to make sure that we were exclusive. Or better, that I wouldn’t sleep with other men, because who knows if he was exclusive? We didn’t spend every weekend together, because he knew that I liked to visit my college buddies to have fun. Okay, he accompanied me twice, but I knew that he just did so to be sure that there wasn’t anybody who’d be competition for him. And the second time, he came with me was because Michael invited him over for his big 35th birthday party, so he didn’t really have a chance to say no.

    He had his fun, but I could feel that it wasn’t really his kind of party, because most of the guys were my age, and he was the only one over the age of 40. My friends got it too, because it was the last time they invited him, and they just asked one time after that party if he would accompany me. It was not that I always wanted him to come with me, because sometimes I just wanted to enjoy the time with my frat brothers, and be myself: the real Tony DiNozzo. I know that I could be myself with Abby, and when I’m alone with Jethro, but I just can’t. I learned in the past that it is best to act as expected at work. So everybody knows me as the womanizer, and perpetually happy guy I pretend to be. No one knows about my other side, or that I’m interested in both genders. Just Abby knows that I have experience with male/male sex, and that I can be serious, and that you can talk to me about everything. The only thing you have to do, is look behind my mask, and see who I really am.

    It’s just, nobody wants to see more in me than what I show at work so they don’t have to worry about hurting me. Only Jethro, saw more than the happy guy I pretended to be. He saw my talent from the start, and even if he got annoyed by my film quotes, he knew that this was the way I worked. It’s just my way of being an investigator, and I only use it when I know that it won’t affect our team dynamic. In bad situations, it helps me to stay focused, and alive, while the rest of the team is on the way to save me. Nobody knows that I also use them to hide my true feelings, like I did when I was infected by the plague, and thought I would die and was responsible for Kate possibly dying too. I had to be strong for both of us, and although I felt more dead than alive, I didn’t want to show my partner how fucking afraid I was. As always, I tried to downplay the pain, because it just felt awkward to show weakness in front of Kate.

    Even if I was going to die, I wanted her to be able to smile while remembering me, and not feel pity for me because I had to suffer so much pain. It wasn’t so bad, as long as I didn’t have to breathe. I won’t think about it anymore, because it’s in the past. Now I’m healthy, or at least as healthy as you can be after being infected by the plague. The only thing I still have to handle is this little pain in the winter, when it’s hard for me to breathe outside. But lucky for me, only Ducky knows it, and he promised to not tell Jethro. As far as I know, he hasn’t broken his promise yet. At least one person stands by his promises.

    I know he’ll be hurt by me leaving without talking to him. and so will Abby. There is no other way, thanks to my damn boss. Okay, I have to stop crying. I have to focus on packing if I want to catch my flight. Maybe one week at a lonely beach will help me get over Jethro and find a new place to work. I haven’t made any arrangements for the future yet, except the storage of all my stuff. So I just have to pack all the stuff left in the bedroom, and it’s not much so I should be finished soon. My only problem is, that it’s all my really personal stuff nobody should see if they visit me.

    I’m sure Kate and Abby would ask me why the hell I’ve got a picture in my flat, which shows just Jethro and myself, very close, and nearly kissing. It's the only ‘kiss picture’ I have, and that's just because Michael was brave enough to photograph us at his birthday party. Jethro doesn’t know about this photo because I keep it in my night-stand, so he never saw it. It’s for the best, because I can hear how he would react if he knew that there is a picture that shows very clearly that we’re not just team leader and subordinate.

    So I keep this as my little secret, and look at it whenever I miss him, or I need a reason to laugh when he isn’t with me. I think about leaving it for him, because I’m sure he will look for me when I don’t show up for work on Monday. It’s a good thing that I know how to send emails, and that Jenny owes me one. She isn’t happy that I want to have some personal time, because I think she knows that I won’t come back. She just doesn’t have a choice, because of the whole La Grenouille case.

    Maybe she is happy that I’m leaving, because I remind her of losing the case, because of my weakness. Okay, I never really fell in love with Jeanne, but it was easier to pretend. Even Jethro thought I had a lover besides him. I don’t want to think about her now. I don’t want to think at all, because it means having to relive feelings which hurt, and make me even weaker than I already am.

    I take a deep breath, and walk to my bedroom door, which isn’t fully closed, and enter the most painful room in my whole apartment. The first thing I notice, is the silver ring on my nightstand. My stomach ties in knots. This little trinket meant so much to me before Friday, because Jethro gave it to me. To show me how much he cares for me. He knew that it was not the same as saying how much he loves me in front of other people, but that showed me that he really wanted me to know who I belonged to. And the best thing, was that he bought two identical rings. Mine was just a little smaller, because my fingers are thinner than his. When I gave his ring to him, it was like our bond became stronger, and when he gave me my ring, I couldn’t stop the tears from running down my face.

    I was never happier than I was at that special moment, but I wasn’t able to say anything, so I just kissed him and made love to him that night. I was in control that night, and I still want to believe that Jethro felt that I needed this to show him how important he was to me, and what him getting the rings meant to me.

    But now I’m not sure if he really gave me the ring because he loved me and just wasn’t able to show me that enough. Now there is this little voice in my head that tells me that he just gave me this present because he wanted to make sure that I only slept with him, and no one else. We all know that Jethro isn’t a guy who likes to share, no matter what it is: a case, his coffee, or in this case, his sex partner. This thought was the reason I took the ring off, the first time I’d done so voluntary since he gave it to me.

    Oh, it wasn’t easy to get it off since another voice in my head was screaming that it wasn’t right and I was just overreacting, but it felt like my skin was burning under the cool metal. The moment I laid the ring on the nightstand I started to sob uncontrollably, and my heart hurt like never before. My head kept telling me that everything I was doing was right, but my heart screamed for Jethro, and I didn’t know what to do. So, I laid down on his side of my bed, and cried myself to a very troubled sleep.

    Now this ring is screaming for attention, and it’s like it wants me to make a decision I’m not ready to make. So I turn a little and look at the other night stand, where a photo of him stands. It doesn’t hurt much less than looking at the ring. He’s wearing one of his polo shirts, but this time the undershirt is missing, and he is smiling like he could hug the whole world. I can still tell you the exact moment I took this picture and how wonderful it was. We were alone on a boat where no one could disturb us. It was his way of saying sorry to me for a very bad argument we’d had the weekend before, but the week was so hard with a really tough case.

    An Admirals’ young son was missing, and we weren’t able to find him in time. We were just able to bring the dead little boy back to his parents so they could bury him, and have a place to visit him. I hadn’t forgotten our argument, but it wasn’t really important during the week, and it was normal for us to sleep separately during a case like that. He needs time alone with the boat to get his mind off the case, and I need Magnum to relax a little, and forget work for at least a couple of hours. But, this time I missed him and wanted to cuddle with him, because I had nightmares from my time in Baltimore when I haunted a serial killer who killed children. During a case like this, all the dead kids haunt me in my sleep, and keep yelling at me because I was unable to save them. Normally, when I wake up in the middle of the night because of such a nightmare, I just call Jethro, and either I drive to him, or he comes to me to hold me while I sleep.
Unfortunately, I couldn’t call him because we were mad at each other.

    I just couldn’t take the first step because he hurt me. Actually, the start for the argument was really stupid, because it was just over the fact that Jethro said that sometimes he wished I would behave more like an adult at work. I knew that it was meant casually, and to please Probie, but it hurt anyway. As soon as we arrived at his house, because it was his weekend, I told him that he’d hurt me. He just didn’t get it. He smiled and told me that I shouldn’t be so sensitive, because he just wanted to make McGee feel a little bit better after all of my teasing. With that my yelling started, and then he yelled at me. I stormed out of his house to my apartment. The moment I arrived there I knew that I had overreacted, but before I could drive back to apologize, my cell phone rang. We had a really bad case.

    So after we had finished our reports Jethro sent us home. I could see on his face that that meant me too. It hurt that he didn’t want to use this chance to talk to me, but then I remembered that I was the one who had to apologize. He stopped me after a few words and just said ‘Go home’. First I thought that maybe he was still mad at me cause of our argument, but then I remembered that he didn’t like having private conversations in the office. So I drove home after debating with myself if I should drive to his home to surprise him, but I decided to give him at least some time to work on his boat to loosen his inner tension. So, you can imagine how surprised I was when first there was a short knock at my door, and just a few seconds later the door was opened, and Jehtro stood in my hall, carrying a bag with him.

    That was the beginning of a wonderful weekend, with a lot of cuddle time. We even discussed our argument, and why I overreacted so much. On the second day, we were in the middle of the sea, and he was totally relaxed. I think that was the reason I took that picture, because I wanted to have a fixed memory of this smile, because it was one of his rare smiles. Shit, I have to focus on the present, or I won’t finish packing in time. I take a deep breath, and then I walk to his smiling picture and put it inside my ‘personal box’. Which I borrowed from the office. What? There aren’t things at work I want to keep, so it’s only fair to use the box for my real personal stuff.

    The next thing in the carton is the book I’m reading at the moment. Yes, I read, and just for your information: I have a whole bookshelf full of books I’ve read. This book was a gift from Jethro. His reason for the gift was “Just because,” but I won’t think about that now, because if I start, I know I will break down, and that’s just not an option before I get on the plane. In the next drawer, I find all our special toys, and I take all of them. First, they’re really expensive, and second, I don’t want the packing guys to see and touch them. These are just for my or Jethro’s hands only, not for anyone else’s. Oh my God, my hands are totally shaky, and I can feel the next tears burning in my eyes, but I won’t cry now. I’m not sure I really have more tears to cry, because the last 24 hours were really wet.

    The last thing I put inside the box is our nearly kissing picture, because I decide to take it with me. It just means too much to me to leave it behind, no matter how badly he hurt me. The silver ring is still on top of my night stand, and my heart is screaming to put it back on my finger, because it belongs there, and nowhere else. I’m weak. I take the ring, and touch it really carefully with my fingers as if it would break if I touch it too hard. I lose the fight against the tears as I read the letters inside ‘Jethro Gibbs’. Maybe it seems strange to you to have just his name written inside my ring, but he explained it to me. It shows that I belong to him because in his ring is my name, so he knows that he’s my property.

    I sink onto the bed, and cry again like a little child. The sobs move my whole body, and I start having trouble breathing. I ignore it until it begins to hurt in my chest. That is the moment I realise that he won again. I calm myself down, and wipe the tears away. I can’t keep the ring because I’m no longer his subordinate, sex partner, or lover, or anything else to him. So, I grab my personal box, and head back to my living room where I put my work cell phone, and the ring together with my keys for Jethro’s house. Yes, I have a key, because he started to lock his home when he bought a big TV and a DVD player just for me. I leave them on the letter I had already placed on my dining room table. I’m sure Gibbs will be here before the packing crew, they won’t be in my apartment before Monday evening cause of the short notice.
I take one last glance around my soon to be ex apartment and sigh deeply. I had a really good time in DC. I’m very sorry about the way I’m leaving, and the hurt I’ll cause Abby. I’m sure she’ll understand as soon as I get in contact with her when I know where I’ll be living in the future.
    That’s it. The best seven years of my life are over. I don’t regret that I stayed so long, because I found a family, and love, even if it wasn’t made for eternity. I take my bag with my clothes for at least the next two weeks along with my personal box and leave my apartment.
On the way to my car I say goodbye to the nice Mrs. Gordon, who lives on the first floor, and give her my key. She looks surprised, but after one glance at my face she smiles sadly and just wishes me the best for the future and says she hopes I find what I haven’t found here.
I can feel that I’m so close to having a break down. I want to stop this whole thing because my heart is screaming louder and louder every minute that I’m out of my bedroom, and on the way to a life without NCIS.

    Especially without my family: Abby, Ziva, Tim, Ducky, and especially Jethro. I put my stuff on the back seat and take a last look at the building, and Mrs. Gordon who’s standing in her window and waves goodbye to me. Before I really break down, I get into the car and drive to the airport towards an unknown, lonely life.

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    As the dark car parks in front of the apartment house everybody on the streets in DC is relieved because they can drive without being afraid to meet Gibbs, a very pissed Gibbs and his car. He can’t blame anybody other than himself for the anger he feels, because it’s his entire fault that he had to drive to his lover. To fix the mess he created the evening before. Gibbs knows that he hurt Tony by not telling the others that they are a couple for a bit more than three years, but it just didn’t felt right for him to do so yesterday.

    The worst thing was that he hadn’t had a chance to explain his actions to his lover, because he refused to speak with him in private, and played the frat boy the whole evening while the rest of the team was there. So Gibbs played his role and waited. Outside patient and normal, but inside he was so nervous and stiff that he just wanted to throw everyone out so he could talk to his partner. As soon as the two men were alone, Gibbs wanted to talk to Tony but first, he wanted to apologize in his way. He put his arms around his friend, and gave him a very soft kiss. The kiss only lasted a few seconds, because Tony pushed him away. Not hard, but with enough force to tell Gibbs that his affection wasn’t welcomed.

    This feeling was confirmed when his lover had told him that he just wasn’t in the mood for sex. He also said he thought it would be better if he sleeps in his own apartment because he had to get up very early, because one of his frat brothers needs him. Before Gibbs could say anything else or ask if Tony needs his help, his lover freed himself from Gibbs embrace and moved to the living room where the younger man collected the dirty dishes, and brought them to the kitchen to be cleaned.

    For a second, Gibbs thought about going after Tony. To talk to him now to clear everything up, but then he decided that his lover needed a little space, now, even if it hurts Gibbs. Especially since his lover went all rigid whenever he got closer than a few feet. So, the marine went down to his boat, and waited to for his lover to come down, and yell at him. Or, at least come to tell him that he was going, because then he would have had a chance to talk to Tony. Tell him that he was sorry, and explain to him why he broke the promise. Then he could drag his lover to bed, and make love to him. Show him just how much he meant to Gibbs, no matter what his actions had said.

    To distract himself, Gibbs tried to work on his boat. It was impossible for him to focus, because he was too tense, and tried too hard to listen for every sound one floor above. To avoid destroying his beloved boat, Gibbs decided to put his tools down and just leant against the counter. To wait patiently. For, like five seconds before he started to pace back and force because he so wanted to talk to his lover. He hates it when they’re not talking to each other because of an argument, or because there’s something unclear between them. The moment he thought he gave his lover enough time for brooding, he heard the front door close.

    And because of the missing sound, Gibbs knew that Tony had left. Without a word or a goodbye kiss. That's what made the older man really really hurt and angry. He felt snubbed, and he didn’t like that feeling. Gibbs stormed up the stairs to stop Tony from leaving like this. The only thing Gibbs could do when he opened the door was yell his lover’s name while Tony's car was driving down the street.

    Gibbs takes one last deep breath, and then he gets out of his car to fix his relationship. He knows that he can’t wait any longer since he got the call from Michael, who asked for his frat brother, Tony. Gibbs was really confused, and told Michael that Tony was expected to be with his frat brothers this weekend because one of them had a serious problem. The hesitation of Michael, and his stumbling like he had forgot it was the best sign for Gibbs that he has to be at Tony’s apartment right now.

    He just walks to the front door, and can see Mrs. Gordon standing at her window. Mrs. Gordon disappears the moment she notices that
Gibbs is watching her. Jethro hasn’t the time to investigate why Mrs. Gordon acted so strangely, because he has more important things to do in this building. He heads upstairs and first knocks at Tony’s door, but when he doesn’t get a response, he uses his keys. He knows that he could’ve opened the door with the key instead of knocking first, but he wanted to give Tony time to prepare himself for the confrontation with Gibbs.

    Gibbs knows that Tony would know that Gibbs knows about his lie about the frat brother weekend, and it’s never good to lie to Leroy Jethro Gibbs. But, now he enters a quiet apartment. A way too quiet apartment, and as he leaves the hall to enters the living room Gibbs freezes in place as he sees the cartons.

    He knows that this is worse than what he expected, and that maybe he went too far by breaking the promise, and waiting until Michael's call to come over here. Gibbs wants to throw something again the wall, or even better, yell at Tony for leaving like this. He takes his cell phone, and calls his lover while questioning himself about why he hadn’t done this sooner.

    When Gibbs waits for Tony to pick up his phone he scans the apartment for any sign indicating where his lover may go. He stops in his track as he sees the ring placed in the middle of the dinner table on top of a letter. It’s like someone has stopped time, because all Gibbs could see right now is the ring. His gift for his lover as a sign of his love. His heart hurts like hell as he walks to the table like someone is guiding him there.
   
    Gibbs tries to touch the ring and notices that his hand is shaking. Jethro Gibbs is never shaky, but it doesn’t matter right now. He takes the ring and holds it tight in his left hand while he closes his eyes and tries to take back the control. As he opens his eyes again the letter is still on the table. His last name is the only thing written on the envelope.

    Gibbs swallows to wet his dry throat before he takes the envelope, and opens it carefully. There is just one single paper in it. The words hurt Gibbs deep in his heart, because he knows that he went too far and hurt Tony one time too times.

Love has nothing to do with what you are expecting to get, it's what you are expected to give – which is everything.
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