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30 April 2008 @ 08:05 pm
Sometimes love needs help  
Hey guys,

this is my first english Tibbs so please be nice *g* I was written for the prompt challenge at gibbstony_athon

Title: Sometimes love needs help
Author: dischargie
Pairing: DiNozzo/Gibbs
Characters: Abby, Tony, Gibbs
Summary: Tony is pissed and talks to Abby
Disclaimer: I own none of them, only the idea is from me
Words: 4.659
Beta: Thanks to kibbslover
Also posted at gibbstony_athon , ncis_slash and gibbs_dinozzo

But seduction isn’t making someone do what they don’t want to do. Seduction is enticing someone into doing what they secretly want to do already.
Waiter Rant, Waiter Rant weblog, 11-29-05

He was so pissed it was hard for him to smile but he didn’t want to show his team mates how he really felt. It was his normal behaviour at work: being the frat boy - not showing his real feelings. And that was the reason why he took the first opportunity to escape from the bull pen to go down to their forensic scientist. She was the only person who knew him; really knew him and not his neatly built personality. When he had entered the elevator he pushed the bottom to her level with more power than intended.

A colleague who wanted to join the agent on his ride down to the lab decided to take the stairs instead because he anticipated how this ride would be the death of him if he said anything wrong to the pissed agent. The brunette knew that he had to find a way to let all his anger go or he would do something very stupid and risky. So he decided to go down to her lab and talk to the gothic lady. During the ride to the lab he opened his fists every other second just to close them immediately.

His body was so tense if needed very little to burst and relieve the tension through this very move. As he heard the familiar ‘Ping’ he was welcomed by the typical loud Goth music. For a few moments he just stood in the entry and listened to the sounds because he didn’t see any reason to call that type of noise music. But then he remembered why he was downstairs, went to the stereo and turned it off.

Only a second later Abby turned around and was ready to ask who was so stupid to turn her lovely music off as she saw who the reason for the silence was. ‘Uh, my babe is angry.’ She knew what was coming if she asked her usual question because this became a ritual for the last 12 months. And while studying his face and body language the Goth lady wasn’t really sure if she wanted to hear the surely following tirade but on the other hand she knew that her friend had to talk about the latest incident otherwise he would be a time bomb on countdown.

And that was sometimes more dangerous than a Gibbs without a coffee for a long time. Abby waited on her chair while the young Agent was going up and down in front of her as if he was thinking about how to start. But then he stopped abruptly and looked her directly in the eyes what made her shiver. She had never seen such anger in his beautiful green eyes before.

“He’s such a bastard! He’s such a fucking bastard! As if he wanted to prove that the second ‘b’ stands for it! Can you image that?? I rescued him and this little girl Maddie! I risked my fucking life for him and what did I get?? More and stronger head slaps and he’s grumpy all the time to me! Fuck, he treated the last suspect nicer than me! I could have died during this stupid rescue mission and I don’t even get a simple ‘Thanks’ from him!”

Abby had watched Tony during his whole monologue and she could see and feel the moment when he was finished with this side of his argument. Before she could say anything to defend the man in question, the agent began again to walk up and down while he mumbled something to himself. And that was the reason why the black-haired lady couldn’t hide a smile because she knew this too well.

‘He’s so cute when he debates with himself.’ She knew that they weren’t alone anymore the moment their boss entered her laboratory. He was quiet as usual but she could feel his appearance and this was confirmed when she looked to the door. Before she could signal Tony that Gibbs could hear him she was stopped by her silver fox who told her by sign language that she should be quiet. Abby needed only a second and one glance to his mumbling friend to obey Jethro with a small nod. Just that moment the brunette man stood still again and looked directly to the forensic lady.

Gibbs was in the shadow of the hallway so that there was no possibility to see him from the lab.

Tony sighed loudly and leant against the table in the middle; all of his energy was gone because all of his anger was gone too. The black-haired woman leant in front of him against her computer table and waited till his friend was ready to talk again. She learned from the last months that Anthony spoke when he was ready for it.

“But do you know what is worst? I still love him. Every time when he yells at me it takes all of my strength not to jump him in the middle of the bullpen and kiss him senseless. His behaviour is so seductive to me. I'm resisting for long, I won't give in now. You know when he was in this coma, it was so painful and I had done everything to turn things with him to the better; to take all the pain away.

But I knew that it was impossible and the only thing I wanted to do was hold his hand, show him that he wasn’t alone; that there was someone who cared about him, who missed him. And it got even harder for me as he woke up and couldn’t remember me. I know he didn’t remember anyone of us but it still hurt like hell and all I wanted to do was sit in my dark apartment and cry. But I had to be strong; I had to keep our team together and be the team leader. You all missed him so much; you had built a shrine for him and I was reminded that I wasn’t him and that with every decision. So how could I be weak at this time?

But when I was at home I was so lost; lost in my feelings and in my dreams. Every night I dreamed of him; dreamed how he comes back and tells me he loves me. But as time passed, I learned to abandon my feelings and it became easier with every day without him. And the offer from Jenny gave me an opportunity to distract me even if it meant to lie to all of you. I was so sure I was through with Gibbs, that I allowed myself to develop true emotions for Jeanne.

As you know: out of sight, out of mind. But then he came back and with the first sight all my feelings were back; especially my desire and there was one situation when I was just split seconds from grabbing him and kiss him.”

Abby had problems to hide her smile because she knew that Gibbs had overheard everything and will get so much more information. But at the same time she knew that her best friend was afflicted with all the emotions and the burden he had to carry in the past. The only thing she wanted for him was to be happy with the man he loved so she had to push him into the right direction.

“Do you know this quote: ‘But seduction isn’t making someone do what they don’t want to do. Seduction is enticing someone into doing what they secretly want to do already.’ So why hadn’t you just grab him and kissed him? This is one of the things you wanted to do for at least one year.”

As a response she got a soft though bitter laughter from Tony. It hurt badly because she could feel the sadness through his laughter.

“Abby, if it was that easy don’t you think I had done it already? But it’s not that easy. He is my boss; I’m his subordinator, male subordinator. And he love Mann and he don’t trust me anymore. This whole thing with Jeanne destroyed our friendship even when I chose him and not her after the disclosure.

Everybody showed me that he was happy that I wasn’t in this bombed car except Gibbs. He didn’t say anything to me he only gave me the feeling that I let him down. The same thing after our case with the black widow. I was in real danger but he didn’t say anything. Sometimes I’m thinking that maybe it had been better for all of us if I had chosen Jeanne and the life as Anthony DiNardo.”

“NO!!” Now she was angry that he even thought about something this stupid. She loved him as a brother and he was aware of this. She couldn’t believe that he really thought about being someone else. But she got the message behind this thought because it showed how hard it was for him to work with the man he loved and wanted so badly. She pulled him into a tight hug and watched to the entry of the lab.

She could see that Gibbs was also shocked by Tony’s words. This was one of the rare moments when Jethro allowed himself to let all his feelings show in his eyes. So he knew that Abby could see how hard it was for him not to run into the laboratory and kiss Tony to show him that he was totally wrong with his thoughts. But Abigail signalled him with a little shake of the head it was too early; there was more to listen to.

“Tony, please never ever think something like that again. We all love you as Anthony DiNozzo and I know that you won’t be happy to be another personality for the rest of your life, even if you had feelings for Jeanne you still knew that Gibbs is on the first place in your heart.”

“You know, sometimes it sucks that you are so often right.” With a deep sigh he freed himself out of her hug and tried to show a little smile as he looked directly into her eyes.

“Abs, I know that I will always love him. But it’s a love with no future; there are too many good reasons why this can never happen. First of all as I said he is my boss and he has his rule number 12: never date a co-worker. And I can’t imagine that he’s willing to break some of his own holy rules. And he’s straight and I’m not red-haired.

Maybe I just need a little break to regain some of my strength so I can face Gibbs every day at work and maybe I will be able to love someone else.”

Abby was torn because on one hand she could totally understand that her best friend was so sad and so frightened to loose his job and his friendship to the older man. But on the other hand she thought that he was just afraid that Gibbs maybe didn’t love him back; what was - as she knew - totally wrong because her silver-haired fox loved his subordinate as much as he was loved by him.

But she had promised both men not to speak about their feelings and she never had broken her word. Ever. Her advantage was that she knew that Gibbs waited in the hallway to initiate their conversation so the only thing she had to do was give him a perfect opportunity. And that was an easy thing because she was trained to handle Tony in this stage of resignation during the last month.

“Tiger be strong and brave. You love him and it won’t go away if you try to ignore it and I’m sure Gibbs won't fire you nor will you loose him as a friend if you tell him what you feel. Maybe he surprises you.”

She just couldn’t say more because the rest had to be told by the lucky owner of Anthony's love. Abigail just hoped that her silver fox would wait till Tony said all the needed words because she was sure that her friend would become more than shocked and untypically silent the moment he knew that Gibbs had heard everything.

“Abby, of course I love him more than anyone else and I wish I was not so sneaky but I just can’t risk this job. You have no idea how happy I would be if Jethro felt the same for me but I just don’t see any clue for that; rather the opposite. All his grumpiness and the head slaps are proof enough and don’t even think about this ‘it’s his way of showing how much he likes you’. We both know that this is just a request thought for both of us. No, it’s the best he never knows how I really feel….”

“I think it’s too late for that.” Gibbs had entered the room the moment Tony said again that he loved his boos and even his subordinator stood with his back to him he could formal see the shock. Abby just smiled from one ear to the other as she leaned forward and whispered something into Tony’s ear before giving him a peck on the cheek and went to her Boss-Man.

“Be nice to him, he’s a little bit nervous and shocked.” With that she left her own area and gave the two men their needed time alone. She just hoped that her tiger didn’t run away but on the other hand she was sure that Gibbs wouldn’t let anything happen like that before the younger man knew that his love was returned. Now it was in their hands to make it work. She had done everything she could.

Gibbs waited till he was sure Abby was gone before he moved a bit further into the laboratory. He knew the other man was aware they were alone and that his boss wanted to talk to him but he didn’t show any sign of life.

Tony was too shocked to move. He wasn’t even able to make one clear thought because his heart and his brain spoke in two different languages to him and he wasn’t sure which one he wanted to hear and agree. ‘Okay, he knew it and I’m still alive. Maybe Abby is right and it’s possible to work here even if now Gibbs knows how I feel.

I felt like that for twelve months and it hadn’t had any effect on my behaviour at work; okay on my shown behaviour, so he has no reason to fire me. But what if he wants that I resign to another team? What if he can’t work with me anymore now that he knows about my feelings? Maybe the best is to ignore him and just go back to work. But I’m sure he won’t let me go without a discussion, so I must find a way to make it clear to him nothing will change even if this is the only thing I want.

Okay I got to stop hoping he feels the same because Abby is right; it’ll destroy me if I don’t change my way to deal with my feelings. The best is to start talking and explain everything before he has any chance to say something I don’t want to hear and that…’ He froze as he heard his name called in a soft tone by his boss.

Tony wasn’t sure what to do because he knew that if he turned around he must look Gibbs in his eyes and if that happened the brunette wasn’t sure he'd able to take everything as easy as he agreed with himself.

Jethro waited a few moments to give Anthony time to find himself and the strength to talk to his supervisor but as he didn’t see any change in Tony’s body language he decided that it was on him to make the first step. So he just called his secret love by his name and hoped he would receive any response. But again the other man stood still like a statue.

The silver-haired man sighed and walked towards the brunette until he was at arms length so he was able to turn Tony around and look into his green eyes. But the latter was impossible because the younger one had decided to stare at the floor what caused another sigh from Jethro.

“DiNozzo look at me….Tony, please” As he heard the ‘please’ Anthony lifted his head abruptly and looked directly into deep blue eyes. And that was the moment when the young agent was lost because he could see so many different feelings and that was so totally new for him. Normally Gibbs wasn’t a man who let his emotions show - neither in his voice nor in his eyes, especially not in his eyes.

The only emotion the chief investigator showed in his eyes was his anger about his subordinate. But now Tony couldn’t find any anger in this blue. The brunette was unable to say a word he was caught by this eyes which he loved so much. In the past he had hoped so much to see anything like this in them but now Anthony wasn’t sure if he wanted to anymore. So he waited for his boss to say anything; he was responsible that they were alone anyhow.

Gibbs knew he had to start; he could see it in the green eyes of his colleague and hopefully soon lover. He took a deep breath before he took his hand from Anthony’s shoulder and made a step back to give the other man and himself a little room to breathe.

“I…Maybe you…okay I know that you have the feeling that Abby betrayed you but that’s not right. She saw me when I entered the laboratory and wanted to warn you but I stopped her. It was my decision to hide in the shadows even though I knew that this was a private conversation. I just had the feeling that I needed to hear what you were about to say.

So don’t be mad at her because she only wants what's the best for you. And I’m glad I heard what I heard because I’m sure that I never ever had any knowledge of anything of this without my little spying.”

He smiled softly as he looked Tony into his eyes to make sure that the other man first listened and second believed him. Because it was more than just important; it was essential for the silver-haired man that the other one didn’t doubt any of Gibbs’ spoken words. But he could see that the younger agent didn’t believe him hundred percent and that hurt Jethro because he hadn’t expected that Anthony wouldn’t believe him.

Only deep inside his heart he could totally understand the reaction of his subordinator because he hadn’t ever showed any of his feelings except for anger and grumpiness. So how could he ask for understanding when he never was nice to Tony? Gibbs needed to find a way to make his love believe his feelings and his words but he knew that this wasn’t as easy as he wished. Still he had only this one chance so he had to take it.

“Tony, I know you don’t believe me. I can see it in your eyes but I don’t know how I could prove to you that every word was true. First I want to know if you really thought about choosing Jeanne instead of your real life and your beloved job instead of your family.” He wanted to say ‘instead of me’ but he knew that he hadn’t any right to ask something like that so the team leader changed the question a little bit.

“Since when did what I want become of interest to you? All you ever asked was if my report was finish or if I had the needed information for the actual case. And the one time after Kate’s death when you asked McGee and me if we wanted a coffee too didn’t count. Because that was not your normal behaviour; you were under shock or something like that even Abby noticed you changed. So why should I tell you anything about my thoughts or my doubts? You don’t have to show any false interest only because of the words you heard.

They won’t change anything between you as my boss and me as your subordinator. You hadn’t noticed them in the past and you won’t notice them in the future. You know that I’m professional enough not to be affected by them at work and as we aren’t spending any time in private you won’t even assume I have any feelings besides respect and work-friendship for you if you don’t know that I love you. And now I have to go because there’s a report waiting which has to be finished before the end of the day.”

Anthony hadn’t known there was so much anger left because normally it was gone when he finished his talk with Abby but now he could feel that he needed to go before he said anything in rage he would regret later. But this was the proof for him he needed a vacation badly and this as soon as possible; maybe it was possible to take the next two weeks off since they finished their last hot case just hours ago and they had their free weekend as well.

He wanted to pass Gibbs to go back to the bull pen but his boss took him by his upper arm and as he stared in blue eyes he could see that the silver haired man had more to say. But Tony wasn’t sure he wanted to hear that.

“Tony, we’re not finish yet….”

“Oh we are not? What else do we have to discuss? My change from a womanizer to a gay man? Or are you just pissed because I hid another fact from you? Just for the records: it was an undercover operation authorized from the director and you left.

So it was my right to do this and didn’t tell anyone about it. And as you came back it was too late and both Jen and I didn’t see any reason to tell you about that before we did it. You’re my team leader but only because you decided that you were bored enough and because I didn’t mind to be just second in command again.

Did you ever think about any one else than you? Did you ever just take a second to think about how I would feel if you demoted me without even talking to me? No, you didn’t because the only person who is important to you is you. You hurt all of us as you left and didn’t call. By God, Abby wasn’t the same and you knew it when you came back to help Ziva. But it didn't affect you because you left again after the case was solved and this time without a goodbye or anything.

You only left a letter for Jen. And then you were back again to help Fornell, which was totally okay because we had to solve this case and this time you stayed. And you acted like everything was the same but nothing was the same because you were gone and I had to lead the team from one second to the other.

And I did a damn well job but I didn’t even get a ‘good job’ or anything like that and sometimes I regret that I didn’t take the chance to lead my own team in Spain. But the worst is that I refused this offer because I was worried about you. And deep in my heart I had the stupid hope that we had a chance.

I don’t know why I was so stupid especially because just a few weeks later you had find your new Ex-Wife in Col. Hollis Mann. So I concentrated all my emotions on Jeanne and she really loved me but I couldn’t love her with my full heart cause you were there. Even though I didn’t want it and that’s something that will never change."

Tony stood direct in front of Gibbs and his body was again so tense that Jethro wasn't sure if he wanted to stay in the near of his subordinator. And the silver haired man could see that the other wasn't nearly finish with his monologe.

"I tried it more than once and failed every time. But that isn’t important because I know that there will never be anything between us. Because it doesn’t matter to you how I feel or did you ask me if everything was okay after I was hanging off the wall in this parking garage? Or did you honour my part of solving the case? No, it was outranked to give Abby a bouquet of black roses because you believed gossip.

Even as I rescued you and Maddie after your stupid stunt in the water there wasn’t any sign of gratefulness. Do you know that I risked my life with diving into this cold and dirty water? I’m sure not because you and the friend of your daughter survived without any damages so everything was fine. But nothing was fine, not for me. Ducky was ready to kill me as we were back in the office and I visited him.

I had to listen to him dressing me down and he was also ready to talk to you but I was able to distract him from this because I didn’t want that you only said any kind of nice words because you didn’t wanted Ducky to be mad at you. I hate false feelings so it was better to hear nothing than untrue words. You give a shit about how I feel. It's been that way in the past and will be the same in the future. I will live with that and now let me go!”

Gibbs hadn’t expected so much aggressiveness from Tony but the longer he listened the better he understood where all this frustration had its beginning and he realised that his subordinate hadn’t had a chance to see anything different. He knew that he wasn’t the best person when it came to speaking about feelings but he had thought that DiNozzo had understood his subtle hints. Did he really think he wasn’t interested in him or how he felt?

The silver-haired could only see one way to show his co-worker what he really felt, even if he risked much with that. And so he didn’t let Tony go instead he grabbed his other arm too and closed the gap between them till there were only a few inches left. Then Gibbs looked Anthony deep in his green eyes and waited a second if the other man would say anything. And as nothing came he closed the last distance and pressed his lips softly against DiNozzo’s.

First Tony was shocked and unable to react in any way. He couldn’t believe that he was kissed by his secret love now and here, in the middle of Abby’s laboratory. But as he felt Jethro’s tongue which pleaded for entrance he closed his eyes and let himself fall into this kiss. As he opened his mouth a little he was overwhelmed by Gibbs’ taste and the feeling of his tongue against his own.

They both didn’t know how long this kiss had lasted but they knew it was too short as they had to break it because they needed air for breathing. As Anthony opened his eyes, which he didn’t know he closed, he looked directly into soft blue ones which were full of love and desire.

“Tony I love you and you’re all I need.” That was all Jethro said before he kissed his subordinate and lover again. Both were so caught by their emotions, the kiss and the feeling of the other man that they didn’t notice Abby who was standing in the entry and had a big happy smile on her face.